something wrong or dishonoring in one's conduct or state:" We have all felt shame at
times for the wrong things we have done, lying, gossiping, complaining, angry outbursts,
stealing etc. We all know what the pang of a guilty conscious feels like.
I would like to draw your attention today to a shame that is unique to a domestic abuse
victim. They feel a deep, soul shattering shame for what has been done TO them! The
actions that bring about this horrible shame are the actions of another. Yet, one of the
most debilitating aspects of abuse is the shame brought about by the conduct of the
abuser that the victim carries as their own. To carry another's shame is a burden that
one should never have to bear, especially the shame of abuse. The victim is made to
feel that they are the one's that brought about the abuse, therefore it is their fault. She
was not ready in time, supper wasn't good, the children misbehaved, the house wasn't
clean enough...the list could go on and on. The abuser is skilled at passing the buck so
to speak, they will never allow themselves to be put in a position of being viewed as the
one that was in the wrong...the victims conduct is what was wrong, and it dishonored
them, therefore they must pay for this perceived wrong.
Thus the abused ends up bearing the shame of the abuser. How does one escape this
damaging state? The first step is to realize that this shame does not belong to you.
There are things in each of our lives that we must own, things that we have done and that
we must bear the consequences and make amends for. But never allow yourself to carry
a shame that is not yours to own!
The second step is to separate the two shames in your mind. What is yours to deal with,
you need to keep and deal with. However this damning shame that comes from the
abuser is a shame that you need to get rid of.
And this brings us to the final, and the hardest step...ridding ourselves of this toxic
shame. This shame is like a sticky oil, that just seeps into all our cracks and crevices.
Our minds have been infiltrated, our joints lubricated and our hearts saturated with
this toxic substance. As you know, it's very hard to clean up dirty oil, the more you
try to wipe it up, the more it seems to spread. The only remedy for this toxic shame is
truth. Take a step back and look at the situation. This shame that permeates your very
soul is screaming at you..."It's your fault!" However, the truth of the matter is, that IT
IS NOT! Everyone is responsible for their OWN actions, therefore the actions of the
abuser are his and his alone. The shame from his actions belongs to him, not you!
Ridding yourself of this toxic shame will allow you to begin the process of healing.
Imagine for a moment that you have a wound that is open. As long as it remains open
to the germs around and receives no treatment, it will continue to bother you, in fact
over time it will fester and get worse! The wound to your heart and soul brought about
by abuse will continue to fester as long as the mega germ of shame is left in it. Applying
cleansing truth to this wound will begin the healing process. The longer that you have
endured an abusive relationship, the deeper the wound will be, and the harder and longer
it will take to heal, but it will heal. I spent over 20 years with this toxic shame seeping
through my heart and soul, and it just didn't disappear overnight. I had to work at it.
Just as it takes time and effort to clean up spilt oil, it will take time and effort to erase
this shame from your life. There were times that I felt I was getting nowhere, but I kept
at it. So don't give up! One day you will realize that this horrible toxicity is gone and
you are finally shame free!
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