Something that is shattered will never be the same. However when mended it can become of value once again. I've been shattered...I've been mended...I am of great value. www.verbalabusejournals.com
The consumption of fuel in various forms is what propels every aspect of our world. The small fragile looking hummingbird consumes up to 50% of their small body weight in sugar each day in order to keep going. When they begin their migration they need to gain an additional 25 - 40% of their body weight to survive on their long journey. (World of Hummingbirds.com) A Boeing 747 uses 4 liters (1 gallon) of fuel every second! Over the course of a 10 hour flight, this aircraft will burn 150,000 liters of fuel (that's 36,000 gallons!) (How Stuff Works)
The earths jet stream, with its speeds of upwards to 275 miles an hour, is what transports the weather systems across the globe. These narrow bands of fast moving winds are what fuels the weather patterns of the world. (The Weather Network) Even our own bodies ability to run, ski, walk and move, hinges on the ability of the body to extract energy from the foods we ingest. The carbs, fat and proteins in what we eat are the fuel sources for our bodies.
So, here's a question for you...what fuels domestic violence? It is silence! The more the shroud of silence hangs over domestic violence, the more it will thrive...and grow! There is nothing an abuser loves more than the silence that covers what his twisted and perverted mind likes to do. Keeping this silence is something that just seems to be seared into the minds of the abused. There was absolutely no way on earth that I wanted any one to know what kind of living hell I was enduring! There was a sense of horror connected to the thought of anyone finding out. I also think, in my case at least, that with the possibility of anyone knowing, the pretense of a happy normal family that I had fabricated for all to see would burst like a bubble. My sanity was intertwined with the very fabric of that self-made bubble. I needed that bubble to stay intact for survival, or so I thought at the time!
Why is it so hard to break this silence? Let's take a look first at the victim that is being smothered in the silence. Picture someone that is trapped under the ice. They are struggling to free themselves; they claw at the ice over their heads in a frantic effort to find even the smallest of holes in which to be able to gasp a life saving breath. They are incapable of making any noise, for they are submerged in the swirling sea of abuse that leaves them with barely enough energy to keep on fighting.
So being incapable of making any noise for themselves, what they are so desperately in need of is someone to come along that has a voice, that has the strength to break through the ice, and give them the freedom they are so in need of! This is the power behind breaking the silence. When the silence, in which they are drowning in is broken, they can begin to find the strength to survive. They can finally take that breath that their body has been craving, find their voice and begin to speak for themselves!
We all need to take an active roll in speaking out against domestic violence. Through
promoting domestic violence awareness, we are keeping this important issue in the public eye. We need to arm ourselves with the axe of truth and begin smashing the ice of abuse that has its victims trapped; we need to smash all the preconceived falsehoods about abuse that are out there. We need to smash to pieces the control and power that are wielded by the abusers. Stop fueling violence with silence. Pick up your axe, find your voice and begin to make a difference!
Have you ever noticed that children live up or down to the way they are made to feel? If a child is praised, they will try even harder to excel. If they only receive degrading comments, put-downs and condemnation, then they will quit trying, give up and finally believe that they are failures doomed never to succeed in life. A life can change direction by the presence of just one person who believes in them.
It's the same with domestic violence victims. A victim mentality keeps you under the control of the abuse. It refuses to allow you to see the potential that your life could achieve if you were free of the abuser and his constant degrading comments, put-downs, the emotional and physical domination, and condemnation of everything that you want for yourself and your children. The victim mentality keeps you in a place of utter defeat. You lack the energy to even tell yourself that you are surrounded by lies...you believe him. And with that belief comes his utter domination over you.
So how does one go from the mentality of victim defeat to survivor victory? You have to reaffirm in your heart that you matter, that you are important. Your wants, dreams, values and thoughts are real, they are of value and you have every right to have them! This is not easy, nor does it come quickly, especially if you've been in a domestic abuse situation for any length of time. You have been slowly brainwashed over time so that he can control you.
For me it was hard to muster the courage to even try to protect myself. In the warped universe that a domestic violence victim inhabits, we don't even like ourselves. We have come to believe the lies that we constantly hear about ourselves. My constant battle with myself was, "Why would I expend energy to help someone that I honestly hate?" ...(that being myself!) Finding help presented the same problem..."Who would help someone like me...I'm not worth it!"
We even start to believe after a while that God will not even help us! What a lie straight from Satan this is! God did not create us to be broken, controlled and dominated. He wants us to be free to soar to the limits of our possibilities in His love and freedom!
I was given a piece of paper at counseling one day, and was instructed to list what my dreams were. To my astonishment, I couldn't come up with any! My counselor explained to me that I still had dreams and aspirations, but that they had been buried under the cloak of worthlessness that was surrounding my heart and soul. Over the course of a few weeks I was able to peal back that damaging worthlessness and uncover the dreams that had once energized me. As I rediscovered myself, I was able to change the label on my soul from "victim" to "survivor!"
The moment you take back control, you throw the victim mentality aside and you step into the roll of a SURVIVOR! There is a tremendous sense of power and confidence that comes along with this word "survivor." I always envision a huge "S" on the front of my shirt, like that of Superman! We have the power back, we are no longer listening to the lies that come from hell through his lips. I AM A SURVIVER!
Maybe you're wondering what is a safety plan, or perhaps you've never heard of one. A safety plan is a plan that is individually tailored to your personal needs. This plan will include how to remain safe while still in an abusive environment, as well as a specifically laid out plan how to safely leave and remain safe after you've left. It will also include coping strategies for the emotional roller coaster you will encounter, as well as info on how to inform family and friends of your abuse. It will also give advice and steps for legal action that will be required, such as restraining orders, arrest and so on.
This safety plan needs to include all your vital information in written form. Some things may seem obvious and trivial right now, but in the midst of the crisis, it's these things that will become a blank in your mind. You can greatly reduce your stress level by having a well documented and laid out plan in advance.
If you are still in the midst of the abusive relationship, there are some safety issues to put into motion for your protection, and those of your children if you have any.
1. Know what your partner is capable of. This will help you assess the danger and risks to you and your children.
2. Identify the area's in your home where your partner doesn't have access to weapons, and where you can make a quick escape if needed. Try to stay in these area's, especially during a fight.
3. Try to have a phone available to you at all times.
4. Memorize emergency numbers, friends, police, etc.
5. When fights erupt, keep your children at a distance for their protection.
6. If physically attacked, curl into a fetal position and protect your face and neck.
7. Establish a secret code word with your children that will serve as a signal for them to leave the house and get help.
8. Practice an escape plan with your children just as you would a fire drill.
9. Keep an escape bag hidden which would include an extra set of car keys if you drive, some emergency cash, ID's, contact phone numbers (shelters, doctor, lawyer etc). If you have no place in the house to hide such a bag, find a trusted friend or neighbor who you can leave it with.
10. Have several different stories ready to use for having to leave the house at different times, day or night.
11. Let a trusted family member, friend or neighbor know what is happening.
Don't find yourself unprepared for what is ahead of you. Collect evidence of the abuse such as pictures of your injuries. Journal all abusive incidences, including the dates. It will become a "he said, she said" if you can't back up your claims. These journals and pictures must be kept well hidden. If there is no place in your home safe enough to hide them, leave them with a trusted family member or neighbor. If you are injured you need to seek immediate medical attention. Try to find out ahead of time about shelters, resources that will be available to you and laws that will pertain your case. To be prepared is to be in control.
Your safety, and that of your children is paramount. If you are in immediate danger and don't have a plan in place, don't wait, just do what your instincts tell you and get out if you can and get help immediately. Call your nearest police detachment or 911.
Red means to stop, a flag means to pay attention to something; therefore something that is both red and a flag means stop and pay attention, there is something important that you are meant to be aware of!
In a domestic violence situation there are red flags. These are warning signs that there is something going on that needs to be addressed. Sometimes what is notable to an outsider is not so readily noticed by the victim. There is quite often a stage of denial that happens. "He didn't mean too," "He had a hard day," "I provoked him." It is easy for the onlooker to see these as the excuses they are, but for the victim they are often the lies they tell to themselves and others in order to keep going.
There are many faces to domestic abuse. Controlling, obsessive and possessive behaviors are not always obvious at first. However as the relationship develops these behaviors emerge and always intensify. In my case I thought that him always questioning where I was and what I was doing before we were married showed that he cared; I didn't see them as the red flags they were, the beginning of a slippery slope that would send me sliding into a marriage characterized by obsessive and possessive actions that worsened over the years.
Domestic abuse has different looks because every relationship is unique. But there is a common denominator to abuse and that is control. So what are the red flags that would point out this behavior in a relationship?
1. You are told you are a failure at everything, nothing you do is right.
2. He is jealous over any time that you spend away from him, or is jealous over your relationships with your friends and family, and even your children.
3. He keeps you isolated from your friends and family.
4. He constantly shames you in front of people.
5. He has absolute control over finances, you have no money of your own.
6. He scares you by his actions.
7. He controls where you go and what you do.
8. He makes all decisions for you, sometimes to the point of what you wear and say.
9. Your belongings are destroyed.
10. He tells you that you are a bad girlfriend, wife or mother.
11. Threatens your children in order to control you.
12. Prevents you from employment or furthering your education.
13. Hurts your pets.
14. He forces you to have sex or to engage in sexual practices you aren't comfortable with.
15. He pressures you to consume alcohol or drugs against your will.
16. Name calling.
If you are suffering one or more of these control tactics listed above, you are in an abusive situation and need to seek help immediately. No one deserves to be treated in such a humiliating and degrading way. Pay attention to those red flags, they will save your life!
To isolate means to be placed in a detached state. You are alone, without the company of friends or family. ALONE...there isn't a word that conjures the true meaning of isolation better.
A victim of abuse lives in this state. There are two ways that isolation affects the domestic abuse victim. The first way is when the abuser cuts off all communication with those that are close to the abused. This gives him complete control over her. He doesn't have to fear anyone coming to her aid, butting into "his" affairs if they are not around. This leaves the victim with no one in whom to confide, no one to trust, it leaves her truly alone.
The second way isolation is used is this; the victim might have others around, friends, family, however she is so afraid and controlled by her abuser, she will never reach out for help. It is a terrible feeling to be alone when surrounded by those that truly care about you.
I had both ways used against me. My husband tried his best to keep me isolated from friends and family. He knew however if he completely shut them out there would be questions asked that he didn't want to deal with. So even though he refused to let me go out very often, talk on the phone much, or have any life outside of what he could control, I still managed to have some contact. So the second use of isolation was used. In the 25 years of marriage, I never reached out for help. I desperately wanted to though. Once, when my children were small, I did out of desperation take them to a shelter. I only stayed one night because of the deep fear that he had instilled within me of the consequences if I ever went against him.
The reason that victims do not reach out, is not because the abuse isn't bad enough to incite that kind of reaction; it's because the abuse causes a fear that over-rides the red flags that are waving in their hearts. They are paralyzed by the fear of what the consequences of their speaking out could be. When you hear of a victim of domestic violence that spoke up, realize that it took a strength of courage and bravery that you cannot imagine.
If you know of someone that seems to be in a state of isolation, please stop and examine the situation more closely. It might very well be that she is a victim of domestic abuse and needs someone to step in and be a hero for her.
If you are the one that is suffering in silence, suffering from one or both of these scenarios of isolation, please find the courage to be your own hero. Contact www.verbalabusejournals.com for help. You are NOT alone, there is help just a key stroke away.
What do you see when you look in the mirror? For a victim of abuse the mirror gives a very distorted reflection of what is really there. I spent years hearing that I wasn't a good enough wife, mother and person. Even before we were married I didn't meet his expectations, and he started trying to make me into an image that pleased him. Over the years I lost myself. I slowly began to change to please him. My personality which had always been lively and bubbly, became subdued. I became increasingly watchful about what I said and even began to make sure the inflections in my voice could not be misread by him.
Living like this is exhausting. It taxes your sanity and warps your outlook in general. Walking on egg shells around the person that promised to love and cherish you is a life that is unrelentingly stressful and extremely unfair! After a while you begin viewing yourself through his eyes. You start to believe the lies that he tells. When you look into the mirror, the person you see looking back at you is a stranger and a big fat failure. So how do you find your true self again?
In one of my counseling sessions I was instructed to write down what I found good about myself. Wow...this was so difficult. I sat staring at the paper unable to come up with anything to write on it! What was there about me that anyone would find appealing? My counselor had to get me started. She told me that when she looked at me she saw a survivor! I had never viewed myself in that way before.
Webster's Dictionary defines survivor in this way, "To live longer than: to outlive or outlast another person, thing, or event; remaining in existence after it has passed away." She went on to explain to me that to be a survivor meant that I had an inner strength that I had been able to tap into to survive. I had outlived the domestic abuse, it was a thing of the past that I was finally free of. She also pointed out that I was my children's hero, I had kept them safe through all those years...and that I was strong! To be told that I was a strong person, a survivor and a hero was astonishing! These were titles that I was not accustomed to associating with me.
I sat stunned. I had never thought of myself in these terms before. I had always viewed myself as weak. She stood me in front of a mirror and had me tell that person looking back at me that I was strong, a survivor and a hero. I began to cry as I realized that I had lost myself over the years. As I put more distance between my abuse and the life I now live, I am getting to know that person in the mirror a little better. She has qualities that I can admire. She has more strengths than I realized. That person in the mirror is a survivor...and I'm proud of her!
Webster's Dictionary defines shame in this way; "Emotion caused by consciousness of something wrong or dishonoring in one's conduct or state:" We have all felt shame at times for the wrong things we have done, lying, gossiping, complaining, angry outbursts, stealing etc. We all know what the pang of a guilty conscious feels like.
I would like to draw your attention today to a shame that is unique to a domestic abuse victim. They feel a deep, soul shattering shame for what has been done TO them! The actions that bring about this horrible shame are the actions of another. Yet, one of the most debilitating aspects of abuse is the shame brought about by the conduct of the abuser that the victim carries as their own. To carry another's shame is a burden that one should never have to bear, especially the shame of abuse. The victim is made to feel that they are the one's that brought about the abuse, therefore it is their fault. She was not ready in time, supper wasn't good, the children misbehaved, the house wasn't clean enough...the list could go on and on. The abuser is skilled at passing the buck so to speak, they will never allow themselves to be put in a position of being viewed as the one that was in the wrong...the victims conduct is what was wrong, and it dishonored them, therefore they must pay for this perceived wrong.
Thus the abused ends up bearing the shame of the abuser. How does one escape this damaging state? The first step is to realize that this shame does not belong to you. There are things in each of our lives that we must own, things that we have done and that we must bear the consequences and make amends for. But never allow yourself to carry a shame that is not yours to own!
The second step is to separate the two shames in your mind. What is yours to deal with, you need to keep and deal with. However this damning shame that comes from the abuser is a shame that you need to get rid of.
And this brings us to the final, and the hardest step...ridding ourselves of this toxic shame. This shame is like a sticky oil, that just seeps into all our cracks and crevices. Our minds have been infiltrated, our joints lubricated and our hearts saturated with this toxic substance. As you know, it's very hard to clean up dirty oil, the more you try to wipe it up, the more it seems to spread. The only remedy for this toxic shame is truth. Take a step back and look at the situation. This shame that permeates your very soul is screaming at you..."It's your fault!" However, the truth of the matter is, that IT IS NOT! Everyone is responsible for their OWN actions, therefore the actions of the abuser are his and his alone. The shame from his actions belongs to him, not you!
Ridding yourself of this toxic shame will allow you to begin the process of healing. Imagine for a moment that you have a wound that is open. As long as it remains open to the germs around and receives no treatment, it will continue to bother you, in fact over time it will fester and get worse! The wound to your heart and soul brought about by abuse will continue to fester as long as the mega germ of shame is left in it. Applying cleansing truth to this wound will begin the healing process. The longer that you have endured an abusive relationship, the deeper the wound will be, and the harder and longer it will take to heal, but it will heal. I spent over 20 years with this toxic shame seeping through my heart and soul, and it just didn't disappear overnight. I had to work at it. Just as it takes time and effort to clean up spilt oil, it will take time and effort to erase this shame from your life. There were times that I felt I was getting nowhere, but I kept at it. So don't give up! One day you will realize that this horrible toxicity is gone and you are finally shame free!
